I have always wondered what the first thing I should write about online, whether on this blog or LinkedIn, should be.

I often find myself paralyzed and indecisive about choosing the right topic. I worry if my choice is appropriate or might come across as too raw and unfiltered for others to handle. Words are powerful; they can convey ideas, express beliefs, and much more. I used to believe I could use them effectively, but recent experiences have made me question it. It feels like no matter how hard I try, my intended message never gets through. My feelings and challenges often go unheard and are rarely understood.

There was a time when I dedicated myself to improving my communication skills—being more measured, thoughtful, and restrained in expressing my emotions while making my point. I frequently ask myself and others how I could have communicated better so that the other person received my intended message. However, their responses often leave me feeling more frustrated. For instance, I have been met with disdain and rebuke whenever I have tried to ask questions like these while opening up about a personal struggle. What stems from a place of curiosity and insecurity, due to past experiences like these, is frequently met with ridicule, callousness, and rebuke. I now feel like good communication skills are no longer enough. 

I wish people understood how difficult it can be to convey a message clearly, especially when it comes from a place of vulnerability. Life is challenging for everyone. It’s hard to ask for help because one is often uncertain about what kind of assistance they need and fearful of how others might respond. This struggle with vulnerability is something I believe many of us can relate to.

Today, I want to break free from this paralysis and indecisiveness. People who read this may judge me; perhaps they will not. Regardless, I’m tired of maintaining this pretense, and I hope that someone who stumbles upon this piece finds solace in knowing they are not alone.

One's final year, whether in school or college, can be an extremely unnerving and frustrating time. Thoughts about past choices and future decisions create chaos and confusion that often accompany adult life. The uncertainty of the job market, the pressure to choose a career path, and the fear of making the wrong decision have all weighed heavily on me. However, the relief and clarity that came with my decision to pursue a healthcare career brought a sense of reassurance and hope for the future, despite the lack of concrete answers, which was unparalleled and caused by a recent illness. Around this time, I fell ill with recurring fevers three times in one month, each time exceeding 100 degrees Fahrenheit. The dizzying possibilities of what could be wrong with my health overwhelmed me, and I understand how health crises can be emotionally taxing. After all, a fever is simply the body's defense mechanism against infections. 

My thoughts drifted to a friend's relative who is fighting a form of cancer. The approved treatment for this condition was so expensive that I knew I would never be able to afford it. I considered all sorts of infections that I was aware of, and it felt crippling. Fortunately, my story has a happy ending. My illness turned out to be a common one at my college, and ten days of antibiotics quickly resolved the issue. 

In that moment, I felt genuine gratitude for how quickly I received my diagnosis and the reassurance from my doctor that my illness had a straightforward resolution. This event and the people involved inspired me to help others find that same reassurance, which can bring deep fulfillment and purpose in a healthcare career.

They say that the mind forgets, but the body remembers. Well, as someone who identifies as neurodivergent, with the right trigger, my mind remembers too.

I recently had a mental breakdown, which was not significantly different than the past ones, except this time, I was in the wrong place asking for help. Simply put, a lifetime of 'whys' got answered in one moment, and all my beliefs crumbled in one fell swoop. The answer was startlingly simple and had been staring me in the face all this time over the past year: it was just these two words, 'Communication Error.' It was present in my interactions with my peers, juniors, faculty, frontline staff, and, worst of all, my family.

What I am about to say will sound scary, but I got labelled as someone violent, aggressive, and who may also be incapable of differentiating between reality and imagination. Here's the catch, though: all I wanted to know was why I have constantly had to swallow my burnout and discomfort, semester after semester in college, and year after year in my life. Why did I continually hear the words, 'consider their perspective,' when it clearly seemed like mine did not matter? Why have I constantly listened to the words 'trauma dumper' from guys when they clearly say they wouldn't know what to do if they were in my shoes?

I used to feel morose with variations of these and many more questions. Now, however, I attribute it to a communication error and try my best to move on, for I have realized that people will never get me, simply because my life seems perfect on paper.